And Then I Stabbed and Pepper Sprayed Myself

Yesterday started off with my seeing our Karen character back to her hunting/gathering phase.

After the coast was clear of her, I headed out to do laundry I’ve put off for far longer than I should have.

Walking into the Laundry Room, I was met by a resident of another building pulling her wash out.

"Just so you know", said she. "There’s an alligator lizard in here".

Hearing the word "alligator" stopped me in my tracks. Couldn’t catch my breath as I had visions of a giant Florida alligator coming at me from out of nowhere.

"It’s over there" said she pointing behind the big dryer. "It scampered in when I opened the door".

Having finally found my breath and my voice I asked, "What’s an alligator lizard?"

"It’s big, scaly, slinks around like a snake" said she.

"Okay, bye, I can’t handle this. Thanks for letting me know" said I as I fled the room.

If you will recall last year's incident with a lizard on the patio, I would have lost my mind had an allegator/lizard/snake like moving creature trapped me in the laundry room, so I crossed the grassy knoll, used the laundry room on that side of the complex.

Having trouble opening the childproof tab they now put on packets of Tide Pods, I opened the blade to the little stiletto knife I keep on my key chain (another backup self-defense device) and cut the bag open. Problem is, I forgot to retract the blade so, when I headed back to my unit, keys in hand, I stabbed a finger enough to require treatment with rubbing alcohol and peroxide.

This is not the first time I’ve stabbed myself. I once stabbed myself pretty good in the abdomen when using a butcher knife to open something with the blade pointed towards myself. You can guess what went wrong from there.

Hospitalization was not required, but came pretty close.

So anyway, once laundry was done and I was returning to my unit, I spotted something that caused me to pause at the door.

If you look closely over to the left of the dusty ledge, you’ll see a baby lizard.

F _ _ k my life!!!!!, thought I.

I made all kinds of noise to make it move — stomped, banged the bags full of clean laundry against the porch. It didn’t move.

It was a baby, so I really didn’t want to hurt it, but it gave me no choice. I pulled out the pepper spray.

Not wanting to pepper myself, as I did when I went after a wasp on the porch, I grabbed a towel from the basket, held it up to my nose and mouth.

Didn’t matter. The spray seeped through and I began choking, gagging, had to run back downstairs to get away from the solution in the air and recover.

Inasmuch as pepper spray seems to do ME more harm than good, I’m seriously thinking of giving up the idea of pepper spray as a self-defense tool.

After recovering, I headed back to my door only to find the baby lizard had not moved.

Must have been dead all along. Heat must have gotten to it, thought I.

Taking a chance that since it was dead, wasn’t going to get inside if I opened the door, I gingerly, carefully opened the door, threw the baskets in, keeping an eye on the baby lizard to make sure it wasn’t moving, then jumped inside, slammed the door.

Now safely inside, knowing that little carcass was outside the door, needed to be gotten rid of, I thought a good idea would be to sweep it down onto the pathway leading to the unit beneath mine — where the weird girl lives.

Grabbing the patio broom, I opened the door, began to sweep the carcass away when, all of a sudden, it moved — leaped into the air and began darting away.

You could have heard my scream a block away.

The little bastid had played possum, faked me out, and now had scampered over to under the ledge of Next-Door Neighbor’s door.

BTW, Next Door Neighbor is somewhat annoying at times, but she’s refined, a boogie. The inside of her unit looks like a fine arts museum, but that tacky doormat is saying something isn't right with her.

So, anyway, I was okay with the baby lizard camping out at next door neighbor's door, rather than mine, and felt the need of a stiff drink to settle my nerves after such a traumatic morning.

Inasmuch as I am not a drinker, but now have an oven to bake in, I tried out a recipe I'd been wanting to try — Mini S’mores Dip.

Recipe photo

My Bake

Those two ramekins of ooey gooey deliciousness, with a cup of coffee, was just what the doctor ordered.

Later in the afternoon, I heard footsteps running up the stairs.

Can’t be, thought I.

Oh, but it was.

There was a knock knock knock, followed by "Hi! Did you miss me?" when I opened the door, then a hug.

I knew this day would come so, when given a free caramel sucker last time at See's Candy, I'd saved it for my little Stalker. I also signed her cast.