Father's Day

Twin 2 dropped by yesterday. Not because it was Father’s Day Weekend — for which I qualify inasmuch as my role in her life was that of Mother AND Father.

She stopped by to pick up a check for the plumber (her A/C unit died).

And before you readers chastise me for being a sucker — giving money to family yet again, there was no way I could live with myself if I’d have turned my back on Twin 2, her ill retired spouse, their dog (my Great-grandson Patches). Let them suffer no A/C in this heat, or having to take out a bank loan, when it wouldn't kill me to give her what she needed. So yes, I’m still at it, but only because it was absolutely necessary and Twin 2 was not “using” me, like Middle Grandson.

When I told Twin 2 about Middle Grandson’s asking for money, just three months after he conned me into getting him out of debt, Twin 2 was shocked. She didn’t know about his calling the first time and offered to have a talk with the boys, telling them to layoff, not ask so often.

”So often” ??????

How about not at all.

At any rate, I told her it wasn’t necessary to have that talk with the boy, because I was just going to say no in future — which may serve as a signal to her as well that the Bank of Me is now closed.

In all fairness, it was only Middle Grandson trying to “use” me, but all are affected by his actions. None of the boys can now call me (I don’t know how they got my number in the first place), because I put a block on their numbers.

Going to be awkward, if and when we have a Thanksgiving Get-Together this year … and we will have a get together because Granddaughter’s new Hubby want me to meet his side of the family.

That get-together should offer up some interesting blog fodder, LOL.

Twin 2 herself seems to have gotten over the disappointment of my response to her texting me one night, “Mom, are you proud of me ... Like the way I’ve lived my life?”

It wasn’t that I responded poorly. It’s just that, she wanted me to respond like this mom ……

Carol Brady Mom

Instead, I responded like this mom ……

Madea Mom

Twin 2 and I are both chalking that regressing into a 12-year old seeking approval, as having been in quarantine too long and menopause.

So now things with family seem to have been settled — Twin 2 has her money, the Grandsons are blocked, I’m looking forward to a long period of being left the hell alone.

I’ll leave you with this hilarious story I read about Father’s Day gifts.

Dear Diary:

For Father’s Day this year, family purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My family seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bit** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bit**. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my family will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.