Monday, May 24, 2021

I Wish I Could Quit You

This has been one expensive month.

First was the purchase of a new cellphone ─ this after less than three years of use.

Now it’s a new laptop, purchased last Tuesday, the 18th, but which the set up appointments were so tight, I won’t be picking up until tomorrow.

It’s the same HP Envy model as the one being replaced, which was purchased in March of 2017. Not holding my breath the new Envy will last any longer than the four years I got out of its predecessor.

Technology is one big scam, and getting scammier.

Had I not been so impatient, I probably could have eked a little more life out of the old laptop. However, after a warning popped up ─ three months ago, indicating parts were no longer available for that particular PC and, right on cue, loading certain things became excruciatingly slow, with some functions ceasing altogether, I caved.

I imagine it was the constant Microsoft upgrades that so quickly wore the laptop down, but what can one do. The odds are against me.

A captive user, I have to deal with what the tech companies are putting out with their short life expectancy, high costs of replacing cell phones, laptop, iPods.

Speaking of Microsoft, listening to Kfrog (my favorite country radio station), I got a laugh out of a bit performed by co-hosts David and Kelli.

David: “Bill Gates told his golf buddies his marriage had been loveless long before the divorce.”

Kelli: “She got tired of his floppy disk?”

David: “You mean his Microsoft?”

At any rate, I sometimes wish I was not so addicted to all forms of technology, could be one of those persons who could go off the grid, live without television, phone, laptop, iPod and, to some degree, family.

As touched on in previous posts, insofar as family is concerned, some wounds won’t heal, causing me to pay lip service to what family is supposed to be. I go through the motions, act as a mother should, a grandmother should, but I’m happiest all by myself, with my once-a-year Mother’s Day text and the occasional must attend family get-together.

Twin 2 lives in a fantasy world and wants more but, for me, that ship sailed many moons ago.

She texted the other night asking “Are you proud of me ... Like the way I’ve lived my life ... The person I am?”

What the hell kind of question is that?, thought I.

She’s 53 not 12, so it worried me that something was wrong. I replied “Why are you asking this? Are you dying?”

The answer was no, not dying, but that it was important for her to know. “Every kid wants validation from their parents. I often wonder if our dad is proud of me”.

Well, I don’t think that’s true. I can’t ever remember a time when I wondered if my mom, or anyone else, was proud of me. As for Twin 2’s dad, he was not a nice human. Why anyone would value his approval is beyond me. He’s probably burning in hell at this very moment, with no thought about anyone other than himself ─ just as when he was alive.

At any rate, I’m no longer wired for giving the sickly sweet emotional response Twin 2 was seeking. I used to be all love and sweetness and light ─ with not just family, but everyone ..... a martyr, actually, allowed myself to be victimized. Now I’m more like the Tyler Perry “Madea” character, straight talk, no nonsense ─ with everyone.

So suffice it to say, Twin 2 was not happy with my reply that what’s important is what she thinks of herself, but “If you really need to know, you’re an okay kid. You’re intelligent, kind, a bit too sensitive, controlling at times, more like your grandma than me, but yes, I am proud of the person you’ve turned out to be”.

Not caring for that response, she concluded that because my mom did not love me that I “can’t give what I did not have”.

That’s bull crap but ─ just like always with these kids, I'm gonna swallow it. If it makes her happy to think so, I’ll let her have it.

To tell you the truth, I am so tired of all the drama queen stuff I get from her, and granddaughter. Like what does Twin 2 want from me? It’s not like she’s cured cancer. She’s a normal person living a normal life. Who stops to ponder if a parent is proud of a normal person, living a normal life? I'm just happy she's happy.

Twin 2 is trippin in that one day, out of the blue, I’ll get a text from her saying what a great loving mom I was. That, looking back, she now realizes how difficult it was for me as a single parent. That she loves me, appreciates all I’ve taught her. That "We (she and her sister) are smart because of you, pretty because of you" yada yada yada. Now she’s concluded, I’m incapable of love, but she guesses I love her “in my own way”.

That’s true ─ in MY way not the TV perfect mom way she wishes me to be.

Which reminds me of when she was a kid and compared me to the neighbor lady, what a good mom neighbor lady was because “She’s home all the time, taking care of her kids ... bakes cookies.”

“I could do that too”, said I. “But we’d have no food, no money, probably no place to live if I didn’t go to work every day.”

I also pointed out to her how neighbor lady’s kids “Can’t go anywhere, do anything. You and your sister” get to do this, that, the other, “Even know how to ride the bus”.

Damn kids. Do they ever grow up?

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