Oy Vey!!!!

So my life just became more complicated.

Long Beach Pride Festival begins Saturday, May 18, 11 am, continues through Sunday, after the Parade.

I’ve got my hotel booked and a lineup of cool t-shirts to wear.

A few weeks back, Twin 1 indicated she wanted to spend time with me, would arrange her schedule to stop by here ……… the senior complex; but when I told her I’d be in Long Beach for Pride, she said she’d join me in that adventure instead.

"Cool" said I, but now my cup runneth over because I’ve recently been invited to attend the Great Grandson’s 2nd Birthday Party, Saturday, May 18, 2 pm ……… same day as Pride, right smack dab in the middle of the time I’d planned to be on the Marina Green, attending the festival with Twin 1.

One would think that ordinarily this would not be a problem. The easy solution is for the two of us to leave the Festival just before 2 o’clock, head for the Birthday Party, return to the Festival after, but one would be wrong because one doesn’t understand the dynamics of my seriously dysfunctional family.

Twin 1 (the baby’s Glam-ma) was totally self-involved during the years she was to have parented her children, resulting in her now no longer having a relationship with any of her five adult children.

A few years ago, she reached the level of enlightenment where she realized how she emotionally hurt and damaged her children, whereupon there was apologizing, followed by spurts of forgiveness and reconciliation, but sometimes the trauma one has caused in the life of others goes so deep that it can’t be undone.

The clock ultimately could not be unwound — forgiveness and reconciliation did not last.

As things stand now, Twin 1’s children are going on with living their lives not wanting her in it. Carrying a boatload of guilt, not able to forgive her own self, Twin 1 has turned to clearing her conscious by doing for the homeless community (her street children) what she failed to do for her own.

As for me, I’ve been put through the ringer by nearly every damn family member there was and is. However, understanding that everything in life (good and bad) happens for a reason, I’ve managed to not internalize what I’ve experienced. I harbor no ill will, let everyone live their own lives the way they feel fit, respect how they choose to interact or not interact with each other, touch base now and then, but remain careful to protect myself, maintain an emotional distance, not get too attached.

So, I’m definitely going to the baby’s birthday party but I’m trying to figure out how I can leave Twin 1 at the Festival, head to the party without it being a hurtful reminder that she’s not allowed to see the grandbabies ………… Is not invited.

She’s frequently in tears as it is thinking about how she screwed up, can't undo and can’t be forgiven. She wouldn’t expect me not to go, and I wouldn’t not go anyway, but I’m fearing how her knowing there is even a party and she not being allowed to go is going to twist the knife in even more than it already is.

I’m thinking, I should probably just let her know now, in advance, this would be happening, so she has time to process, cry it out, has the option to bow out of spending time with me altogether if she can’t handle my leaving her alone at the Festival, or give her time to make arrangements for a third or fourth person to attend the festival with us so she’ll be supported through the hurt and can continue having fun once I take off for the party.

Oy Vey!!!! The whole situation makes my heart hurt, and is sending me to that See's candy I have stored in the fridge.

All in all, it's a tragic reminder of how we create our own reality or, like I've often put it, "You make your choices, you live with the choices you make".

BTW, White Grandma will also not be in attendance. In fact, she’s been so toxic, done so much backbiting, created so much stress and drama for the kids, that she’s earned herself an actual uninvite ……………… been specifically told it's the end of the line "We do not want you here".

However, it wouldn’t surprise me to see White Grandma waltz her arse in just the same.

In other news, barring any last minute scrambling, tomorrow is jury selection for No. 45’s hush money criminal trial.

Shame it’s not being televised. If it were, I’d not be working out tomorrow. I’d be glued to the tube just like I was during O.J.’s trial.

On the other hand, I’m not feeling good about this trial, not hopeful that it will finally lead to our being rid of him once and for all, but I will wear my lock him up t-shirt tomorrow for luck.