Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety-Jig

Though the weekend with family didn’t turn out as rough as I’d imagine, I can’t say it was actually fun – more like interesting and, now that it’s over, I see it was necessary.

Necessary in that I rid myself of old resentments, which I now see were holding me back spiritually speaking.

Nephew had initially invited 75 guests; 35 rsvp’d yes but, at the last minute, folks began cancelling out with the excuse “something came up”, which put nephew in a quandary because quite a few of those cancelling were his close friends who’d volunteered to pick up this, pick up that, decorate this, decorate that, get the cake. So, at the last minute, nephew found himself scrambling to find someone else to handle tasks and having to run around town taking care of things for himself.

The event scheduled to begin at 3:00, got pushed back by text to 5:00, then 6:00.

Arriving at 6:00, the only people there were myself, two of his friends, five or six children (contained in the kids room), and the caterer – a woman he’d hired to cook on the premises.

Nephew had not yet made it to his own party, favorite niece -- at whose home the event was taking place, also had not yet made it, daughter had a bonafide plumbing emergency and was unable to come.

By the time nephew arrived, niece arrived with her evil mom, other guests arrived, we ended up with a grand total of 15 and the birthday dinner kicked off at 9:45 that night.

That’s right … 3:00 turned into 6:00 into 9:45 pm!

The long wait wasn’t awful though, because most of the guests seemed to all know each other from working in child care situations – schools, day care, foster care and I was fascinated by stories about the out-of-control, intimidating, threatening behaviors children displayed. Some of the stories were about unmanageable children as young as three/four.

The horror stories made me so happy I’d defied my mom that last year in high school, when I had to choose classes towards a direction for after graduation. Mom ordered me to choose towards college to become a teacher. I didn’t want to be a teacher. I was tired of being poor, wanted to get a secretarial job, further my education through technical and night school.

I did what my spirit prompted me to do, chose typing and shorthand classes and, after graduation, went to work as a clerk typist, worked my way up to executive assistant then legal secretary. Though I didn’t always like who I worked for and/or with, I always enjoyed the clerical field.

At any rate, getting back to nephew -- after learning of how so many had let him down, I was happy I made the trip. Known for not attending family functions, he really appreciated I thought enough of him to be there.

So there’s that.

The “necessary” comes in under the category of forgiveness, letting go of old hurts, resentments.

I admit forgiveness is my biggest challenge.

When people don’t do right by me, I just build a wall, lock them out of my life and remember. Spiritual advisers have told me that I would not go any higher than I already am in attaining enlightenment as long as I held anyone in condemnation for past actions.

I could not do it, didn’t have forgiveness in me. I had blocking folks in me, but forgiveness I felt had to come as an action/activity coming through me from the Universe, not something I personally had the power give.

Sister-in-law was one of those I closed out some 35+ years ago.

Knowing I was going to see her was one of the reasons I didn’t want to go. Old resentments rose to the surface, I became angry and feared -- my no longer being the suffer in silence type,  if she’d said one thing to set me off, I’d lose it and verbally rip her to shreds.

Former sister-in-law walked in, greeted me with a smile said “You look just the same”, walked towards me for a hug, which I allowed, and though I barely hugged her back -- was stiff, guarded, the hug she gave me was genuine, tight. She then, either out of guilt for the past or because she could feel my “I want to kick your arse” energy made herself scarce – sitting away from the group, out of sight, behind a room divider.

However, there was a wall mirror across from me from which I could clearly observe her. And what I observed is that, much younger than I, she looked incredibly old, tired, decrepit, like she could have been my mother.

All of a sudden anger at all she’d said/done in the past began to melt away and I felt sorrow. “The fact that I still look good and she looks like 60 miles of dirt road is telling me life has punished her enough” thought I and, just like that, resentment was gone.

Letting go of resentment towards former sister-in-law also led to giving estranged daughter a call this morning.

A trip to bountiful didn’t go so well. Making my way to where my mother lived, I found the houses too close together, the streets too narrow, no place to park, too many people outside watching me (neighborhood watch?) to check out her old house closely or get a photo.

Driving to where I raised my children, I felt sorrow yet again. Once again narrow streets, no place to park, buildings too close together, everything now old and run down. Plugging in the address where I grew up, the GPS found no such location. Plugging in the elementary school, the GPS found no such location and then it died. 

It was like the Universe was saying don't go any further into the past.

The GPS so completely died, on a narrow street in Compton, that I feared I'd not find my way out and back home.

Took some doing, but I logic'd it out, made my way back to Inland Empire, and have already ordered a new GPS for pickup tomorrow.