Socially Awkward

Except for attending a meditation session this past Sunday, the bone chilling cold weather has me hibernating since the last post.

Bundled up in a long sleeve athletic top, leggings, socks, boots, jean jacket, gloves and with a huge infinity knit scarf draped around my neck, I arrived at the session, walked into a warm room, but didn’t remove anything because I still felt the cold down to the bone.

I notice I’m having a hard time with commitments lately. I’ll agree to go somewhere, do something and then later wish for a way out. That’s never been the case with meditation sessions, because the opportunity to join with like minded others on a spiritual level in silence are few and far between, so I jump at the chance, drive long distances or travel by airplane to attend.

This session being the first scheduled in the area, I jumped at the chance, but then had second thoughts because I’d attended a session a few years back with this particular spiritual teacher, never got off the ground, and thought perhaps his level of awareness was just not for me. Looking for a way out of the commitment, Nephew’s birthday party came up that same weekend, which took me out of town.

After receiving a message the session had been scheduled for the next weekend so I could attend, I figured the Universe had spoken and I was meant to be there.

So arriving covered head to toe, but still cold, the teacher greeted me in a manner I found unnecessary and confusing. He said something to the effect that, in communicating with me about the session via email, he wasn’t quite sure who I was.

Of course not, though I. He’d only seen me that one time three/four years ago.

Then he went on to say, he didn’t recognize me because, “You didn’t have all that stuff on last time. You’re going to get too hot in a moment”.

So now he's just making up words just to be talking, because that didn't even make sense since he'd only seen me once so long ago and knew me only as a name on his mailing list.

Completely puzzled as to why such silly awkward comments and so much concern with my body coverings, I merely responded “I’ll take it off once I warm up. Right now, I’m chilled to the bone.”

It was almost noon before the chill left my bones and I became warm enough to remove the gloves and infinity scarf.

At any rate, despite the strange beginning, the session went well to where I soared most of the time (9:45 to 12 noon) but, at one point in the class, I had a strange coughing incident – like something was in my throat and I needed to get it out.

Embarrassing when everyone has their eyes closed, rising to a level which is calm, peaceful, quiet, but the noise cleared up quickly after a few sips of water.

Attendance at the session was disappointing, only the teacher, three others and I.

I’m fortunate in that I discovered meditation in my late 20's early 30's, when there were great spiritual teachers giving classes. I had the privilege of private sessions with many of those teachers, weekly group sessions consisting of dozens of students, and sessions with as many as 500+ of us students, sitting in quiet meditation – listening, learning, clearing ourselves, all of which I credit with the ability to have survived all I’ve survived and be as awake and aware and on-center as I now am.

So though disappointed at how small the class was, it was a nice tune-up and came just in time to get through the electoral votes and the certainty of the orange guy being the beginning of the end of everything.

Before the afternoon session began (1:45 – 4:00 p.m.), we all went to lunch.

My former BFF and her husband were two of the students in attendance, and former BFF mentioned during lunch that she remembered I didn’t like cheese and thus would not have eaten at the Olive Garden because the smell of cheese is so strong in that restaurant.

Teacher found my dislike of cheese strange and asked, with a smile on his face, while eating a cheese dish, if I was going to leave the restaurant or “You eat first and then leave?”

Another strange comment don’t you think?

Is he trying to be cute/funny and failing miserably or is  he a doofus --  just naturally socially awkward or is spiritual jealousy manifesting as he can sense I’m not a beginner as the others are and feels somewhat threatened by me, thought I but refrained from reacting with, “No, the smell is not overwhelming”.

I did, however, at one point, surreptitiously put my elbow on the table and finger to the nose like I was thinking when, in actuality, I was blocking the smell.

Later, during a break in the afternoon session (1:45 – 4:00) when everyone else partook of a sweet treat BFF had provided the class, and I did not (because I’m off sweets yet again), teacher asked “Would you like a slice”.

“No thanks”, said I.

“It doesn’t have cheese in it”, he laughingly taunted.

Definitely trying to be funny/cute and failing miserably.

Though the teacher provided some moments I found unnecessary and awkward, it was a good session -- I soared, but not any further than I can and do sitting alone in meditation, so I see no need to attend any future sessions with this teacher. Spiritually he’s doing good work, I suppose, in raising up others. Humanly he’s demonstrated, at least to me, that he's just a guy, a silly one at that.

All of which may explain why, his being in the practice for as long as he has, that he's only pulling in three/four at a time, rather than the dozens and hundreds out there seeking peace of mind and understanding in an atmosphere of chaos, confusion, man's inhumanity to his fellow man/woman, others with his years of experience did, and the one still living could, should she decide to come out of retirement and teach yet again.

In thinking back, perhaps the choking coughing incident had something to do with a vibe I was picking up from him -- especially since choking/coughing repeated itself in the afternoon session, and that the Universe wanted me there not so much for me but for him.

At any rate, he's in my awareness now, so I'll think good thoughts for him, but won't be attending any further sessions he makes me aware of. Attending also put me in contact with former BFF, and gave me a sense of satisfaction that she, having followed me into meditation as the peaceful way to deal with people, places, things, appearances, circumstances, was still on the path, doing well, and appears to now be instrumental in raising up into spiritual awareness her husband and a coworker.

On tap for today is heading out to Starbucks, in the cold, for my first cup since the 14^th/15^th, and I'm thinking of stopping by Walmart to check into thermal wear to get me though these cold nights, freezing mornings.