Cold Feet

I’ve been quite the homebody last few days -- staying indoors, bundled up against the cold, working on that needlepoint project, overeating, thinking thinking thinking.

Unlike many of the seniors, it’s not year-end depression or the idea of the big orange guy as potus hitting me. In fact, though I am disappointed the big orange guy won the election, I was actually expecting it because Nostradamus had predicted that “in the final days, the antichrist would come into power”.

I am convinced we are living in the Book of Revelation  ... the apocalypse ... the final days.

I am equally convinced the big orange fella is the antichrist Nostradamus foresaw.

So though I do have the same trepidations others are experiencing about the coming year with the antichrist in power, I’m accepting whatever happens as the will of the Universe and dealing with what’s most troubling now, which is this coming weekend’s overnight trip to Long Beach.

It felt like a good idea at the time when late sister’s son sent me an invite to help him celebrate his 40^th birthday and, simultaneously, attend the soft opening of my favorite niece’s nail salon.

I rsvp’d yes, booked a hotel and, up until a week and a half ago, was very much looking forward to an opportunity to do some Pokémon hunting in Long Beach area.

Nephew, who had a heart attack and a bypass last year, is so excited that I’m coming down that he’s been updating me daily. What started off as a small get-together for dinner and drinks after the soft opening has turned into what nephew describes as a “turn up” – a huge fancy dress gala, complete with tent, dance floor, food, jello shots.

I’m the oldest and last of my mother’s six children. Two brothers died long ago, another brother and my only sister passed within weeks of each other in 2013, and my youngest brother passed in 2015.

I am essentially the last one standing.

Children of those brothers and my lone sister have reached the age where they long for a connection to their deceased parent, have questions, want to hear stories about the past and want their own children to know where they come from.

So, after having been removed from my life at age 4 by her evil mother, 35 years later favorite niece found me on facebook . That triggered other nieces, whom I’ve not seen since they were babies, and nephew friending me on facebook, acquainting me with their children, inviting me to family functions.

I’ve been a long time without family, don’t trust family togetherness not to turn into drama (which, looking at facebook posts, it has become upon occasion) and have thus declined functions … except I did attend favorite niece’s 39^th birthday celebration in February, met her husband, some of her friends, and one of my youngest brothers all grown-up daughters.

That I could handle.

The thought of attending a “turn up” with what now will include their friends, neighbors, cousins, greats, grands and favorite niece’s evil mom has triggered anxiety, which anxiety I’m treating with sugary products.

Yep, I’m back on sugar in the form of pumpkin pie, chocolate muffins, ice cream, very much want to stop, detox from sugar yet again and to cancel the overnight to Long Beach.

Meditating on the situation has given me no answers other than I can’t in good conscious drop out now and disappoint nephew, that I should put on my big girl panties, go and meet the folks.

To that end, I’ve plans to get the car washed, tire pressure checked and have planned my fancy dress – the usual black tank, black leggings, jazzed up with my signature cowgirl belt, boots, blazer, which is as fancy as I get; and have plans to hit the nail salon tomorrow for a manicure pedicure.

That’s not to say, I’m not hoping the Universe gives me an out everyone could understand and forgive me for.

I don’t like lying. I'm not good at it, so coming up with any kind of a lie wouldn't feel right -- no one would completely buy a lie anyway, but I’m not above playing the old lady card.

Such as a sudden rain storm Saturday, so I can say “I’m an old lady and it’s not safe for me to drive that far in a rain storm”, which would be true if the weather turns bad on Saturday.

No rain in sight, but if we get a sudden storm this weekend, you’ll know I’m to blame.