Received a text message from an old boyfriend. A young fireman in the 1970’s, we'd met when I was working a different part of city services and became a thing for a while. Though I don’t recall how long our relationship lasted or why it ended ─ probably because he was young and young men didn’t hold my interest for long back in the day as I was looking for growth, people I could learn from, people that could move me forward in life, I do remember our relationship ended on friendly terms. I’d run into him from time-to-time.
Once it was his squad ─ he was a Captain in the department by then, that showed up when I had food poisoning and had to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital.
Then there was the time he somehow learned where I was then living, dropped by the apartment to tell me he’d left the department and was entering theology school.
Now a minister, with his own church ─ oddly enough, about a 15 minute drive from the complex, with 5 grandchildren, 4 great grands, he was prompted to look me up on facebook and message that he’d seen an article published about Twin 1 on People.com and commented “You must be proud”.
I get that a lot from friends who happen to see Twin 1 on television or read about her in print ─ “You must be proud ... Aren’t you proud?”. My answer always is “I’m just happy she’s happy. That she finally woke up to life being not all about her” as, for many years, things looked to be ending up a very different way.
So anyway, I looked up the article my old boyfriend spoke of, and read a version of Twin 1’s life that vastly differentiated from what I recall, what I experienced, especially the part that read “I had a difficult relationship with my mother”.
WHAT!? That’s news to me, thought I.
And “difficult” HOW? inasmuch as I was the one planting the seeds of there being a different path than the hard road she was opting to take during the years she was lost.
“Difficult” HOW? when, in response to my trying to save her from the hard life to come if she made such and such a choice, she’d reply “You can’t tell me what to do” and made the choices that ultimately kicked her behind.
“Difficult” HOW? inasmuch as I was the one always there for her, lifted her up when those choices kicked her butt, took her to her knees and she couldn’t get up on her own.
And “difficult” HOW? when I was the one there for her children when she put herself first and checked out of parenting.
Consequently ... if it were “difficult”, whose f_ _king fault was that?
Life is about choices.
My being a parent has mostly been a thankless choice on my part. But I signed up for it, did the best I could to prepare them for a good life under, at times, overwhelming resistance, put my children first, made myself last. Now that everyone is grown and I can focus on me, I don’t involve myself too much with family ─ because family made the journey tougher than it had to be, and I now just want to be left alone. I thought I was immune. That the days of family hurting me, causing pain was over. Evidently not, but at least I’m not in tears this time.
Adding salt to this fresh wound is Twin 1 not just saying she did not have a good relationship with me, but that she’s giving credit for the person she’s become to her grandmother ... my mom ─ the woman who tried so hard to ruin my life.
In a way, I guess mom somewhat succeeded. Mom enabled Twin 1, encouraged Twin 1's choices with her "Go ahead baby, I'll help you" which she never did help. Instead, mom sat back laughing at my having to step in and live with the results of Twin 1’s choices ─ and I did, for like forever, until I couldn’t take it any longer, decided to save myself by moving here, away from all of ‘em ... detaching, healing my wounds.
Now, history in Twin 1’s head is grandma was the angel, I the difficult one.
Am I going to say or do anything about this?
No.
Though the label “difficult” is hard to swallow, I’m accustomed to being misunderstood in this family, not appreciated. That’s why I am so not family oriented. Prefer to keep to myself.
I’ll just be keeping even more to myself than usual. I’ll reply to text messages, but won’t be initiating texts to them. Also, I’ll no longer attend the once-a-year Thanksgiving get together.
Fortunately, I can use the pandemic as an excuse for not showing up, instead of hurt feelings.
And the way the pandemic is going, I can use this pandemic excuse for years to come, or at least until this latest wound heals itself.
That sucks that you were drawn into her reality. Good for you for not lowering yourself to her level.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good way to put it. I absolutely was "drawn into her reality". I sometimes think back and, when she told me "You can't tell me what to do", should have taken a hard line, kicked her out, let her experience how her grandma would have backed out and failed her.
DeleteOMG... My daughter is as ungrateful and unappreciative as your twin number 1. She got pregnant her second year of college. Though working full time, I supported my granddaughter emotionally and financially for 7 years, allowing my daughter to finish college and start her career. My daughter met and married a pig of a man with dubious character a few years ago. I had concerns about this man and his behavior towards my granddaughter. My daughter sided with him... and was almost cut-off from my granddaughter. I suffer their insults and horrendous behavior towards me, holding in the hurt, tears, and anger so I can be in my granddaughter’s life, what little they allow. Instead of enjoying my granddaughter’s growth ... I am waiting for the years to pass for her to grow big enough to be safe. I was good to my daughter, loved her strongly and took good care of her and my granddaughter. She has broken my heart. I understand how you feel. I hope your twin number 1 reads this and understands how deeply she has wronged you. I know you are an amazing mother who deserves better than the twisted memory she has of who made her what she is today. Stay strong ... you know what the truth is!
ReplyDeleteCali G
She'll never read this. Doesn't know the blog exists. But even if she did know of the blog and read it, I don't think she's able to handle the knowledge of knowing everything that's happened was the result of her own choices. She needs a scapegoat, me, as your daughter needs a scapegoat ... you. I hope you get strong enough to not play their game, continue to take the abuse, so you can see your granddaughter. Walking away is difficult, I know it was the hardest thing I ever did, but the way I was treated was killing ME, making me suicidal, I had no choice but to save myself and, believe it or not, when I moved away, family began to get their acts together.
DeleteI raised my granddaughter from birth to the age of 7. My daughter never bonded with her as a mother should. Her biological father was never in the picture. She is only 10 years old. My daughter’s husband is a narcissist psycho control freak who would love to have me out of the picture. I will never leave my granddaughter. She needs me. I would sacrifice myself for her... she deserves so much more than what she has for a mom and the shit pig she is married to. We all have to do what we have to do. You did the right thing moving away. I am glad your family got their act together after you moved.
DeleteI like the way you are handling this. Finally putting yourself first and keeping a very low family profile. You have made a nice life for yourself. It still hurts, inevitably and it's also darned annoying to see all the credit Twin 1 is getting when you know the behind the scenes situation. There was absolutely no need for her to have made those statements about her mother. I think you can be, and are, proud of yourself and what you made of your own life. Twin 2 certainly thinks the world of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem with all the credit Twin 1 is getting for her work with the homeless. She deserves that credit as what she's doing is doing so much for others and is dangerous on so many levels, something I myself wouldn't be brave enough to do but you're right about no need for her to have made those statements because, at some level, she must know what she put me through and how much I put into trying to save her from her then self. And believe you me, Twin 2 has had her days, but they were normal angst daughters have with their moms. It's just in the last few years Twin 2 began to look back, see how much pain she too caused, and now can't apologize enough and is constantly texting how sorry she is for everything she said in the past that hurt me AND thanking me, telling me how much she appreciates my teaching her this that and the other, because the things I taught her are now bringing her joy. Thanking and appreciating to the point I'd wish she'd stop with it. LOL. But now I'm thinking she's doing so because she and her sister are close, and she knows her sister feels differently and Twin 2 probably feels bad for me.
DeleteBeen there, still doing that. Fools never learn.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. Now that I have learned and I'm out of that mindset, not only do I see it's true that no good deed goes unpunished, but that the more you do for some people, the more they want and expect and resent you for not continuing to be the fool.
DeleteBouncing off of what Kathy said, don't get sucked back in. Now, about that old boyfriend, how interesting that he contacted you. Maybe he thought he could reconnect and talk to you about your daughter and you would pass on his compliments. Seems, though, he should have contacted her directly to heap the praise.
ReplyDeleteTHAT IS interesting way to look at it and makes me wonder why he didn't just contact Twin 1 directly. At some level, I must have sensed it because, when I replied to his initial text, he then texted me asking questions like how many grands and great grands I had, to which, instead of saying how many, I just complimented him on his large family, said I was happy to hear from him since so many from that time in my life are no longer alive or not doing as well as he and I and ended with saying nice to talk to him and "BYE". I never put "bye" in a text message before, so I guess I was sending a message that I expected not to hear from him again. It was nothing personal about him, but "bye" nevertheless.
DeleteAnd P.S. dkzody, about that getting sucked back in. THAT may be the game Twin 1 is playing. She knows I'd eventually hear of the article sooner or later and hoped to get a reaction from me about that statement. The joke's on her because I'll never let anyone in the family know I read it.
Delete