Slow Burn

Had an epiphany moment this morning.

I had a sudden realization that I am slow to burn, but once the burn hits, I become angry and have a hard time letting go.

My mantra -- when there is an upsetting incident is … everything happens for a reason, it’s done, there’s nothing you can do about it, let go and let God.

That generally works.

However, since retiring, with time to think, time to reflect, there are things in life I’d shaken off but it’s like they’re attached to elastic -- they were out there, had only gone so far and now spring back.

I’ve been very happily divorced some 48 ½ years. My physically emotionally mentally abusive ex has been dead and gone since ‘98, yet there are more times than I care to admit when I see something on television or read about something or hear about something that brings up a flashback, it all comes crashing in on me, and I’m angry – partly at him for the saying/doing -- wishing he were still alive so I could cuss him out, partly at me for not fighting back, not speaking up.

So it was yesterday when, getting dressed in the morning, I walked into the closet, looked over to where my favorite belt use to be, saw the empty space and became filled with rage.

Part of the rage was directed towards Nurse Ratched’s kleptomaniac boss for taking it … and yes, I’m sure. There’s no traffic coming in/going out of my unit, the belt was at eye level and she is the only person to have been in that back room, which is why part of the rage is directed at myself for being so trusting, for not paying attention, for having not known there was no reason for her to go INTO the back room.

The room is so small, she could see whatever it was she needed to see for her inspection by standing in the doorway. Why did I not realize she’d not only entered the back room, but was actually in the closet?

She can keep the Polishing Unit of the Spa Sonic Skincare System, it’s easily replaced; but the belt is unique and has been my favorite for more years than I can remember.

It’s the loss of that belt that’s burning.

Being an emotional eater, making my own coffee this morning just wouldn’t do, so I headed to Starbucks, with a stop by the donut shop for a sugary apple fritter to calm me down.

Sugar is not the answer, but it’s better than a lot of other substances people use to cope.