Commitment Regret

So some lucky persons, too excited about winning a third of the Powerball, got no sleep last night.

I hope they’re able to keep their mouths shut, not tell a soul and take the winnings in a blind trust, which is what I would have done. Though I would have wanted to tell one daughter and the granddaughter, that would not have been wise because daughter would tell her significant other, which would have put both daughter and myself in jeopardy of kidnapping, robbery by her significant other’s useless manipulative son. Granddaughter would have told her BFF, who would have told someone else, and so on and so on, until granddaughter also would find herself in the position of being harmed or held for ransom by some thug.

I’d already worked it out in my head to take a blind trust, have funds surreptitiously funneled to both daughters, granddaughter, the grandsons, nieces, nephews and if any one of them couldn’t be wise enough to keep their mouths shut about a windfall coming from where they knew not and put themselves in jeopardy, then it would be on them as I would not be responding to ransom demands. They’d just be SOL.

So that was my slightly cold-hearted but practical plan had I won, which I didn’t, but I’m happy the pot was won, lottery fever has come to an end and I now have no reason to leave the unit headed to the 7 Eleven.

Even though I had that one day, yesterday, when I felt the impulse to get back out into society, I woke up this morning wanting to get back in my cocoon and regretting having committed to that walk Friday morning with younger sister and another resident.

There was some talk about rain on Friday, which would have given me an out, so I checked the forecast.

No such luck. It’s smooth walking weather next few days, so I guess I’m going to have to suck it up and listen to younger sister go on and on and on about wanting to move forward in life, asking for advice as to how to meet people, where to begin, how to begin, what’s the first step, then not taking that advice because her mind comes up with reasons why she can’t, shouldn’t, “What if I don’t like it? ... Nothing ever changes, it’s always the same".

It’s the same conversation over and over and over until I really don’t want to hear it any longer. I’ve already told her she thinks too much, needs to listen less to her head, more to her instincts and can begin with something as simple as walking to the church up the street as there might be programs and groups she could enjoy.

Her reply is, “I know, I know, but I keep thinking …”

Her latest is, “I’ve been invited to visit a relative in Alabama.”

That’ll be nice, I said, to get away for a while, get your head straight.

“I’ve been to Alabama, what’s the point of going back?”

“You don’t have to stay. But you never know, it’s a door to walk through, and one door leads to another and another. You might meet someone travelling to Alabama or come across something that will lead you to something else.”

As to her statement that nothing ever changes, it’s always the same. That’s life, I said. Nothing is ever new under the sun. You go around and around and around in circles but, as you evolve, you circle at a higher level and the same old thing becomes fresh and new.

All I got from her was, “I know, I now, but.”

She also said something about relying on the future, tomorrow, rather than taking steps to change today; to which I replied, “Tomorrow is not promised.”

I was brutal in saying, “Don’t you think the people killed in the terror attack at the social services building had plans for tomorrow, yet there they were on a regular day and tomorrow didn’t come.”

“I know, I now, but.”

So, I’m not looking forward to Friday’s walk. I’ll do it, because I committed and it will help to get me restarted on walking, but I’m seriously thinking to tell her not to bother me again with her drama. Take a step, any step, make a move, put up or shut up.